Ever got the feeling when you’re flying so high, you’re momentarily in a good place, things feel balanced for once, like your health is good, you’re doing well at work, relationships are settled no drama, and out of no where, you get a sinking feeling or an unpleasant memory comes your way, bringing you back to the dark days- the time when you were lost, when you weren’t the best you, around energy depleting sources, you were sad, fearful, angry, hurt and you can’t help but attach yourself to these emotions. Today as my dad was driving me towards dinner around a familiar place, I felt old emotions come up that made me feel so unsettling, so sad, and frustrated and all I did was silently sit with them and really feel them. It felt like there were walls narrowing towards me as if my world was swallowing me up (but knew it would eventually spit me back out). And since I am fairly conscious to my thoughts, and know this is the ego at play, all I did was feel all the feelings, and allow them to pass.
Just before the new moon, I received a wave of creative energy so powerful I just could not lightly say ‘oh it was the new moon’. Really, whatever this force was, it came so evidently and left me with late nights writing up ideas for my videos, recording my videos, making moves with my business, cooking, planning, structuring my days, creating new habits. I am absolutely in love with life right now. And although each day comes with the lows- I place gratitude to wherever I am and my days go by so much easier. They are filled with love, even at work, and even when I am doing things I do not necessarily want to do. I make sure I conserve my energy, but always come from a place of love and divert my energy towards things that do light me up. Hence I notice my work to be so much more satisfying and well received.
Boy boy boy, at 3 pm today in the afternoon, the universe sure confirmed that everything happens in divine timing. I received two shocking news today, both at the same time- one good and the other one bad, both stemming from completely different scenarios. I was told I was rewarded something huge by my company given my successes in my professional life. At the same time, I received news about my past, specifically a time when I was in a dark place.
It was as if the universe was testing me, giving me a glimpse of the beautiful life I have ahead of me. To be honest, I feel it coming too. I can feel it, taste it, touch it every time I am outside- of possibility, of adventure, of success. I have been living in it after all. But I can also easily come back to that dark place- because I physically had been there, emotionally too and to an extent spiritually. It felt like the universe handed me these two situations to see which one I would put my energy towards. I remember receiving the good news like 3 seconds after the bad news which I couldn’t even take time to focus on. I was in my car and I placed a lot gratitude when I received the call from my manager as he excitedly informed me what I achieved and how proud everyone was to see me grow throughout the company. It really has been a blessing for me to work there. Is it strange to say I wasn’t surprised? Was this Law of Attraction at work here? I remember my intention to recieve the reward was momentary. I didn’t need it, I mean it sounded nice to have it as it was mentioned throughout the year, but I didn’t set goals to obtain it and just did my thing at work, meet my targets, get my commission and enjoy my time with my team members. Was I meant to have it all along?
Shortly after, I decided to sit with the bad news. It was something I had absolutely no control of, nothing of the sort that could harm me unless I allowed it to do so. And I couldn’t help but really feel it. It felt surreal. I was asking myself, how do I feel? I felt light headed, sorta dizzy, trying to picture the situation that happened, questioning things, inquiring others about the situation. I felt this more. The bad news that is. And dwelled on it throughout the night. As a human, it sure feels easier to sink into the bad stuff. I am okay now, as I know I am in a much better place than I have ever been before. I am healthy, I am conscious of my thoughts, really loving myself more, seeing my own truth and beauty and inspiring others along the way. I feel like I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. And I could’ve handled the bad news in so many other ways that would’ve lead me down a spiral of low vibration actions and emotions. However I choose to handle the bad news as best as I can, I choose to move forward, not look back and step into the path I was always meant for, to embody the person I’ve always wanted to be and to handle the situation with grace.
I reached for spirituality teachings when I was trying to find comfort during times of pain from my past relationship. I came across the book The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle which helped me remove my identity from the mind. This helped me become conscious to my thoughts of always feeling inadequate, not good enough for the other person, always comparing myself to others and finding compassion within myself. I felt present. And there were many Aha moments. And as I delved more into spirituality and questioned the system we live in and the rules, the routines, my world started turning upside down. I listened to Abraham Hicks, Matt Kahn and a whole bunch of other spiritual teachers/ mindset speakers and I developed an immense distaste to working so hard, studying so hard.. for what ? For a flawed system we made up, for a currency we made up. And I became opposed to working full time, I felt my rights were removed and just wanted to be outside. I guess many go through this phase (like where Jim Carey is at now) when being first exposed to spiritual teachings.
But as I continue on my journey I am learning all about integration. As much as I would like to remove myself from the technology saturated, fast paced lifestyle we all adopt and to live on a beautiful, peaceful land, wake up to sunrise, spend my days outside, mediate, find higher truths, there is work to be done here. And in this time, in this physical reality I am here to fully embody what it is to be human. I signed up to this didn’t I? I am here to experience all the emotions of human- happy, sad, jealousy, greed, love.. I am here to indulge, to experience pleasure- see, taste, touch, smell, sound… And I am here to serve, to give love and light to others, to show compassion, to inspire others to live in their potential. Im not here to bring others to the same consciousness as I am, but rather guide them to their greatest version of themselves. I am not speaking like this to intently find purpose in my life, I just have this strong feeling from the core of my being that this is what I am here for.
As much as I would like to boil the quinoa, update my playlist for my morning run and plan out my day for tomorrow, I sit here on bed, in my untidy room at 10 pm on the 31st December 2017. To be honest, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I finally get some time to reflect on my year, lay out my visions and set my intentions for the new year. And although I am fully aware that time is a man-made construct and we can create new habits and make different choices every other day, it is good to make use of the energy that everyone else is emanating as they celebrate the close of the 2017 year to reflect, let go and move on.
One of my intentions for the new year is to be gentle with my body. To be gentle with the food I give my body, my thoughts and how I treat my body.
Over the year, I developed a negative mindset with food. And although I am becoming a health coach and ensured most of my meals were wholesome and nutritious (low carb, lean protein, healthy fats+ veggies), I became very strict to what I ate and the thoughts that arose during times when I consumed food that didn’t meet the criteria were not healthy. I criticized myself, I complained when I felt full and became obsessed, annoyed and guilty when I indulged in such foods. They were not loving thoughts and so I am learning to love food again and learning to enjoy the other pleasures that food comes with such as good company.
In 2018, I am to remind myself just how resilient, strong and beautiful my body is. Too often had I criticized my body especially when I missed out on exercising for the day, when my period was late, when my skin broke out and when my belly would bulge after a meal. In 2018, I see myself falling in love with every part of my body, giving my body kind and loving thoughts, lavishing my body with the best floral scents, oils and allowing my body to experience all the pleasures this life offers- food, movement, dancing, breathing..and other things. I see myself moving a lot, jumping a lot and having a lot of energy.
As Matt Khan says, “Your body is the one that goes on the journey, not you. And when you allow your body to go on the journey, to let your body heal in its own time, in turn it will allow your light to shine through.”
It is now 11.11 and I will continue my 2018 series over the next couple of days.
May you all have a magical start to the new year.
Have you ever come across someone out of the blue,
who too was not expecting you.
You both belong to different worlds,
heard different stories,
sang different melodies,
But timing was all divine,
As both your energies intertwined,
And danced and played,
In the most beautiful, harmonious way.
So delicate but rooted,
Random but deliberate.
You both didn’t even need to speak,
And the other knew what the other one seeks.
He listened to my stories,
Treated me delicately,
And made me feel like the sun, the stars, the moon.
Thank you universe,
for bringing angels down to Earth.
I wrote this poem a while ago about someone I was very lucky to meet during a time of great struggle. And even though we lead different lives now. He definitely deserves a creative piece.
To end the year, I’ve been hit with an array of emotions to battle out family issues, work stress, entrepreneurial fears and personal challenges. My coping mechanism? I distant myself from others, I bathe in my uncomfortable thoughts, I reach out for food and as guilt follows not long after, I am running outside.
And as I run away from my chaos, I evaluated my coping mechanism- change into my workout gear, wear the same pair of worn out sneakers (of which I know I must buy new ones), listen to the same old music (which I’ve been meaning to update), run the same track, stretch the same stretches.. I realized just how ingrained this habit was for me. This agitates me. I am sick of the same old thoughts circling in my head- not feeling good enough, not accomplishing enough, not satisfied enough.
There is so much judgement and emphasis on lack.
I used to spend time placing gratitude on things, and I remembered just how charged up and blessed I felt. What happened..?
I was alarmed by how often I would have these thoughts and how they have now turned into toxic, unhealthy beliefs. And as I began to seek and scramble for a solution, a message came into my mind:
‘Don’t take life so seriously’.
I had no idea where it came from. Usually the solution to settle my mind would come from some profound quote by Rumi, Hicks or some thought leader but this one was rather casual yet significant. I hung onto this for a while and repeated it in my head.
Yeah, don’t take life so seriously.
Why have I been taking life so seriously attaching myself to uncontrollable situations and people when they will just pass by me anyway?
Why do I need to dwell on negative emotions such as worry, anxiousness and fear in this life when I will have many more lives ahead of me?
I am a believer in past lives and reincarnation after all.
I’ve been taking this life way too seriously- micromanaging, trying to do the right thing, to be ‘perfect’, always questioning the ‘why’, trying to get to the ‘truth’. I take things to heart and over-think situations and people who I have come across. Why?
I repeated this in my head a couple more times: Don’t take life so seriously, don’t take life so seriously,
It brought perspective to me, settled my anxiousness and quietened fear. Fear.
I began to smile and laugh at myself.
Why have I been taking life so seriously?
At one point it felt like life was laughing right back at me.