The being that I am.

In my last post, I mentioned how I began to let others into my life which challenged the way I viewed myself. It brought up self-doubt, self-criticism and disruption to how I usually do things. However, I do not regret letting them in as I recognised the work that is to be done in this area. In a way, letting others in and juggling the thoughts and feelings that came with it, was the work itself. I have come far, but for my own light, I need to stop imagining how others think of me and judging myself from their point of view.

And as I begin to feel myself again, I feel like my power is regained. I have no idea how I will handle the situation the next time when I decide to let someone in. This time around, I also learnt a thing or two about boundaries, and how to protect myself.  But for now, I am happy to divert my energy back to myself, get back into my routine, to wake up early, to make stuff, create stuff. Perhaps the next time I let others in, they are more closely aligned with my values and so for now, I will continue to freely express the being that I am.

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Next move after false mirroring

I don’t know how else to release the thousands of thoughts in my brain other than to write. I’ve recently caught myself not breathing at times. I sigh and shake when I consciously realize I have so many things I want to do and just belly-flop on my bed, planting my face in the mattress in hopes that somehow I am guided to my next direction but fully aware it wont happen that quickly and vividly. I know there is freedom to scream, but there isn’t at the same time. So for now, I will just write. It’s been a while since I have written.

Last month, I exposed myself to the most uncontrollable force of life- people. I became open to others, spent time with others, shared my life, my stories with them. It was fun, I enjoyed the attention, but it also came with unpleasant thoughts I have of myself, thoughts of unworthiness, thoughts of how different I am to them and with this came with a lot of time and energy spent on me, embodying the other person and assuming how they would think and see me. In the end, I guess this is just a reflection of how I see myself.

The book, ‘Astrology for the Soul’ confirmed that those, Aries of the North (me), try to place ourselves in the other person’s shoes and imagine how they would think and feel about us. I’ve done this pretty much all my life. The book said that, if I continued to do so, I would always lose.

Its so true.

Every time I do it, I always envisioned scenes and conjured up thoughts where the other person would see me as annoying, not worth their time or energy, complicated, sensitive, or too controlling.  I rarely saw myself in a positive light. Never worthy. It says a lot about myself, my self-esteem, my self-confidence. Every day is an on going battle to instill self-belief, worthiness and love for myself. I’ve spent a lot of time on my own, writing, recording, visualizing and all such has been great to work on myself. But what I am beginning to realize is that self-love is not a practice to be done purely in confinement or in solitude. Self-love comes from being around loved ones, loving places, being around community. These which I do not spend much time on. And I guess as I write this, my next move is to find a community of people who have similar values to mine and to find a place where I belong.

The real work

Today was a day where self-doubt became frequent. The day also came with moments of not feeling worthy, not feeling pretty and just not feeling good enough. I then questioned what I’ve been doing these past couple months. I questioned my abilities. Have I spent too much time in my head, creating false hope, fantasizing? Are my dreams too big? Am I rushing or have I simply become lazy and ignorant to what is really going on in this physical reality? I spent the last six hours doing a night shift, working in a shopping mall where theft and violence is the mainstream. I’ve recently had to replace my windscreen as someone chucked a rock at it in the car park. Last Thursday night I was almost mobbed walking to my car.

I try my best to shift my mindset, protect and conserve my energy when I am in this environment. But sometimes, its just so fucking exhausting and its just easier to dwell in the misery. I feel my light dim. Today, I came across a familiar face. I was taken back as he approached me at work today. In that moment, all I could think about was how charming and physically attractive he was. But I didn’t feel anywhere near like that-beautiful or confident. I tried to make minimal eye contact with him as we spoke and compose myself. That encounter made me feel lacking. And as I laughed, made jokes to disguise my real insecurity, I draw the conversation to an end. I am left disappointed in myself. And it wasn’t because I wanted him, because I don’t. I was disappointed because I wondered where all the inner work I had been doing, self- love practices, self-talk I have given to myself, where had it all gone during a time like this.

I now come to realize, that the real work is done when you are outside. When you are placed in uncontrolled, unpredictable situations. It’s not when I am in my room, with my candles, surrounded by my beautiful things, where I feel safe. I can listen to all the spiritual, self-love podcasts, listen to all of Abraham Hicks recordings, but in the end, that is all just the ground work. The real test is when you are outside. It is when you apply all the things you’ve learnt into the blunt physical reality. When you integrate and adapt. And not let anything or anyone disturb your inner peace.

The right dose

I’ve begun to get back on my feet after weeks of introversion. Inspiration just couldn’t help but conjure up visions, ideas, that playfully dance in my head, eager to be transcended into the physical space. They’re all just waiting for me. For me to get out of my funk, to get over my F.E.A.R (false evidence appearing real), for me to stop doubting myself, limiting myself. And as they collectively vibrate their subtle energies, I can’t help but pick up on these and get myself moving again, creating again.

I am now drawn back to the familiar feelings of overwhelm and eagerness to create and accomplish so many things in this life. Its to the point where I don’t even want to write my ideas down or set goals to work towards them, because I fear of the big task at hand,  the big task I have put ahead for myself. I know this is ego talking. And having learnt from Elizabeth Gilbert and Mastin Kipp, I will not consider fear as the enemy here. I am to work with fear, let fear guide me to places I know will do me good, but never let fear take the reigns to my decisions or take over my intuition.

Lets take a moment to sit with this fear. I fear my ideas will expire. I fear that I will not be able to create my visions or my ideas up to that standard I would like. I fear that I will run out of time. As a conscious being, I am fully aware that if I continue to attach myself to these thoughts, I would already have failed before I have begun. However, acknowledging fear makes me feel like fear is not as influential as I thought. It is just made up. Like my beautiful friend Elaine would ask me at the end of every conversation I had regarding my fears, “Now is any of it true?”. And silence is always followed by that  moment of clarity.

Fear has no power what so ever unless you give it. Just like any other feeling, you can control how long fear stays with you, just like how long you allow other feelings like happiness, gratitude and love to stay with you.  You get to chose the dosage, the potency and duration.

For me, I will allow fear to protect me in dangerous situations and for fear guide me to places where my creativity runs wild.

I am experimenting to find the right dose for the latter.

Brave

I’ve been told this by a couple of people now-  that I am brave.

At first, I didn’t take it in as I just saw it as a friendly gesture, a compliment.  But as I was told by another friend today, I took the time to acknowledge and reflect. You know what, I am pretty dam brave. I am not afraid to speak up and say the things I want. I am not afraid to do things that take me out of my comfort zone that I know will do me good. Now come to think of it, I come with part-control freak but also part faith. Some things I just leave it to utter  faith and go with the flow. I didn’t even get scared or angry when someone chucked a rock at my windscreen, leaving evident damage and the need for replacement.  Yes I got annoyed to the inconvenience and to the fact that I’m now a couple hundred dollars less in the bank but I didn’t get scared, I didn’t get angry and I didn’t hold onto those emotions for long. I promptly sorted it out and moved on. It wasn’t that I was trying to numb my emotions, I just didn’t feel like holding onto angry and negative thoughts that would just drain my energy, waste my time and put me on a low frequency. My work manager admired how elegantly I handled the situation.

Because you know, ever since I placed my trust and love to something bigger, call it the universe, call it source, I am assured by this larger entity that I will always be looked after, be safe and be loved.  

Today I had one of those days where I wanted to place myself in uncertain situations without wearing any make-up on. I’ve been doing this more frequently given that my skin has been aggravated and I’m just sick of covering it up for over five years now (long term acne sufferer). And boy, did I have one of the best days in October. The energy and love I felt for myself was immense- one of complete gratitude and accomplishment.  I felt 100% myself, natural, free and my skin felt like it could finally interact and balance itself out. I felt like I was having a conversation with my skin and it was literally thanking me for being brave, for sticking it out for the day so it could take some time to heal and balance itself. But today wasn’t like any other recent make-up free day where I would usually avoid and interact with as little people as possible. Today, I encountered conversations, caught up with my friend and spoke about my skin to the lady at the health food store. And on top of that, even though I have been majorly breaking out on my forehead and chin, I experienced moments of beauty within myself. I don’t know how else to describe it other than it came from a place of authenticity.

I am proud of myself.

By the way going make-up free came with few pleasant surprises.  I noticed that when I was eating my lunch and in the process of wiping food around my mouth, I didn’t have to be cautious about wiping my make-up off (like I usually would) because I didn’t have any of it on in the first place. So I could freely wipe my mouth as much as I pleased. This may seem like nothing but I’m sure girls can relate and I was quite enlightened about this. Also, by the end of the day, I still felt clean as a baby. My  face didn’t feel congested like it usually would, or I didn’t feel the need to immediately shower when I got home, because I still felt clean and fresh. Today I finally got to be one of those girls who go on about their day revealing their true, beautiful natural self and it was energizing, loving and liberating.

Revisiting

I’ve been feeling stagnant lately. There’s been a build up of energy pushing me to change up my routine, one which I’ve only just started getting comfortable with. I’ve noticed that I’ve been holding onto old thoughts, memories, having dreams of my past- of people, of my mistakes, my flaws, all bringing real low vibration feelings that have not served me well these past couple weeks. I’ve been feeling like I am not doing enough, not good enough, and un-interested in a lot of the things I usually like. I’ve been basing my happiness on a couple of things lately that have not helped my well being; (a) my unpredictable, inflamed skin (b) comfort food. And after the momentary happiness I get from eating something I like (of which I wasn’t even hungry to begin with), I am left feeling unsatisfied and regretful.

 Last night, I became fed up from feeling this way and realized that I am more than this, and I gotta pick myself up again. I am done with the past, I am done waiting for answers, for closure, for others to step up. I am here to do things for myself, to surround myself with beautiful things, to feel loved, to feel beautiful, to create, to explore. I want to be the energetic, loving self I am again. The October energy report by You are Luminous  said that it is a time where past energy, experiences are likely to be brought up again. But given that we are now in a different place to where we were then, we have the decision to approach what is in front of us from a much stronger stance. She also mentions that we have the power to end cycles, end thoughts and feelings that do not serve us and start again. This made me feel better.

Today, I cried in front of my acupuncturist. Just because I informed him that my skin has become worse. He was a little shocked but he reminded me that I may just be feeling more emotional than usual because its coming around to that time of the month and that once my hormones balance, I will experience clarity in my skin. I then settled and laughed a little.

This morning, as I meditated, I received a message telling me to go back to my childhood, back to the books that took me to a different world, my drawings, my innocence, me. So I went into the garage to find the books and before I knew it I was opening up boxes which had all my water colour paints, oil pastels, art books and my drawings. I also found my old diaries I had written in 5-6 years ago. I immediately took them out and set up a table outside and began to draw with my oil pastels. And for once, I was not thinking about my skin, for once I was not thinking about food, I was present with my drawing and the thoughts that would come pass me, I did not feel the need to attach to any of them.

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My oil pastel drawing I did years ago from an illustration out of the children’s book the Red Tree by Shaun Tan.

I began to feel like I was in the right place at the right time. I was safe, I was outside, I was drawing. I am reminded of the other things I am good at. And the recent feelings of stagnation,  which I had previously put the blame to not interacting with others, not being social, disappeared. And at that moment, I confirmed myself that these feelings of of unbalance, unworthiness could be replaced with a little bit of creativity.

The feminine divine

My evolving definition of what it is to be feminine.

Growing up, I associated being feminine purely on the physical. I would say,  it pointed it down to how society and social media defined the feminine woman. It was limited to the way a woman was expected to look and that was to have a curvaceous body and proportional body parts, especially breasts and a butt. This definition challenged me, given that I am naturally slender and do not have much body fat  (any fat would either be deposited on my cheeks or my belly..). Hence I always felt inadequate to this definition of being feminine. I also based my degree of femininity on how males would perceive me, and how attractive I was to them. Once again this was very externally driven and limited to the physical which did not serve me whatsoever.

It is only until now, at the age of 24 that I am finally comfortable, accepting and loving my energetic, fully functioning body. I am now defining the word feminine in a way that serves me and I hope I can extend your definition of what it is to be feminine also.

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To me, being feminine is putting myself first, knowing what I deserve and giving myself, my body the best of things. I make sure to feed myself with the most amazing foods, foods that are most nutritious, energizing and healingFood I know will repair and build my body, give me the energy I want to carry out my day, my purpose, to heal my PCOS, my skin, improve my gut and brain health and my immunity.

Having said that,  it is just as important I feed myself with kind, loving and compassionate thoughts.  Because,

where the mind goes the body follows.

And there is absolutely no point if you have a healthy body but not a healthy mind. 

With every new day, work is to be done in this area. In the end, you are your own biggest critic but I have developed a way to treat myself as if I would to my best friend- supportive, kind and loving. This has really helped me instill self-belief, pursue things that resonates with me and I am a lot kinder to myself and have shut off a lot of the negative self-talk.

With this combination of feeding the body, mind with the best things, you begin to feel like the queen, the princess, the woman that you are. IMG_0416.FAV

Furthermore, I now associate being feminine to how well my body functions and listening to what my body wants, craves and needs. Most importantly I place my femininity on my menstrual cycle. Women, girls, we operate in cycles, and our energy levels, our moods ebb and flow. Its okay to not have energy every single day, not be as productive as you were week ago and now feeling inward instead of being social. Being in tune to your body’s signals is what makes me feel feminine and appreciative to the intricate chemical, feedback loops that exists within the body.

Having your period signals proper functioning. It signals alignment and that you are able to have children in the future.

It’s your natural rhythm, its  life force.

You know girls, you can also be feminine through the way you speak, your tone, your smile and the words you choose to communicate. Speaking out of infinite love to anyone (and this doesn’t necessarily mean saying things like I love you to strangers) but just speaking with good intentions,  you can feel closer to the feminine divine. You can also be feminine through the way you move your body. The way you carry yourself when you walk and move when you exercise, run, dance. I feel feminine when I run and when I am doing yoga sun salutations. I feel warmth, blood is flowing, air is circulating and feel very connected to my body. I also feel feminine when I dance, not needed for anyone but myself.

As women, we are well recognised for our nurturing and supportive qualities. Hence you can feel feminine by just surrounding yourself with the women in your life that genuinely support you, want the best things for you and help you evolve into the best version of yourself. Talking about our challenges, about our days to others also releases a feel-good hormone- oxytocin which is the general well-being hormone for women. In addition, it is important to be kind and compassionate to others, not see women as competition (we are all the same ladies) and to appreciate the qualities and the beauty that men bring for themselves as well.

Hence, my definition of what it is to be feminine has got nothing to do with the physical. My definition is about self-care, self-love, self-worth and being kind and compassionate to others. I hope you are able to take some of my insights on board and perhaps see being feminine in a much healthier light if your definition was previously limited to the physical just like mine.

Having said that, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be masculine if you are a woman. I find that I am more masculine when I am working in my current role- I get quite competitive and driven and that’s completely fine with me. We all come with both masculine and feminine traits and you can come up with whatever blends you like.

All woman are absolutely divine.

Please share this to any women you care about and would enjoy reading this.

Love Cherie