I remember the anxiety days just before my company trip. There was literally nothing to worry about. I was being a baby, I was being close minded. We were literally getting paid to eat, to play, to sleep. All delivered with the best of comfort and luxuries. Anxiety came about from the fact that everything was out of my control. I assumed others would run my day, I would be constrained. I made assumptions. And these played around in my head, drained my energy and altered my mood. My thoughts were that- progress in my business would come to a halt, exercise would be non-existent  and I wouldn’t be able to be able to get access to ‘nutritious’ food.  I feared I would lose body tone, my skin would break out from the humidity, I will be tired every day from all the activities organised. All these thoughts, circling in my head days before my trip, having power over me.  My trip that was only for 5-days…

It came to my surprise, that my skin didn’t break out, in fact, my skin glowed, my hair shined and even though I would be eating 5 meals a day, of food I wouldn’t normally eat, and consumed a lot of alcohol, I didn’t gain weight, I didn’t feel drained, I wasn’t confined. Each day came with blessings. I developed lovely relationships, I got to sail across stunning oceans, lay on the deck to see all the shades of the sky, swam beautiful  beaches, got pampered, danced all night by the sea, tasted the most delicious local food. I got a glimpse of how you can live. I got a taste of it.

On the last morning around 4 am, pretty intoxicated from the party event of the night, I made my way to the beach one last time. And there, I remember, half-laying on the deck chair, I made a pact to the sky, to the universe, to the source that I could always confide to. The one source that truly sees who I am and everything that I am. And there, as tears swelled up, I thanked the universe for bringing me here, for all the events that got me to where I am now. I surrendered and I vowed that I will try my best to live each day guided by my intuition. And to open myself up to possibility, to others, to try, to taste and most importantly, have faith, for there is plenty more to come.


Sit with it

I’m just going to sit with my thoughts and feelings right now. The same ones that have been circling around me all day today. They are unpleasant. They are feelings of being unsatisfied, disappointed and aggravation towards self. This happens often when I expect things, yea, that word- Expectation. And I am fully aware that all these feelings and thoughts stem from the ego, the parasite, the ‘mitote’ as the Toltecs refer in Don Miguel Ruiz books (The Four Agreements, The Mastery Of Love). And the mind THRIVES on all these thoughts, these feelings of inadequacy and dis-satisfaction. That’s how the mind is kept alive (as Eckhart Tolle author of the Power of Now mentions). From afar, my life appears wonderful. I have multiple qualifications, I am the top performer in my workplace, I continue to promote my passion in health, I make sure I keep myself fit and healthy and I am always creating things, learning and developing myself. I am admired, I am adored (I say this in the most humble way). Yet, no matter what anyone says to me, I often see my faults, my weaknesses. I forget who I am, what I’ve accomplished and often spend my time and energy feeling anxious, wondering what’s my next move, uncertain and uneasy with the life I have ahead. And then I get mad at myself for having these thoughts in the first place. When will I ever be satisfied?

2018: The gem I found 

I wrote this on the New Year. 

Minutes before the new year transition, I discovered the one big lesson, the one big gem of 2017 that I could take away from 2017 and bring it into the new year. 
I found Love. Now, I was never intentionally searching for it in people or things being fully aware to never rely on external means for love anyway. Love was sent to me in all sorts of forms throughout the year.  I was taken on different journeys along with different people who came into my life, the ones who left and the ones who stayed. The ones who made me feel like I was the sun, the stars the moon and the ones who made me feel the opposite. Love was shown to me through my health conditions, my family struggles, my career and personal challenges. Love was never very far from any of them. I lacked love within myself. I chose to put up with people and situations who didn’t treat me well, made  the same mistakes, and harmed myself during the process.  We’ve been brought up to believe that love is precious, love is rare. But this never has been true.  I have come to the end of the year to discover that it is within each and every one of us. It is abundant and timeless. You do not have to limit love to your family and partner. You can give love to anyone and anything and it doesn’t need to be the same love from the family and partner. It comes from being compassionate, being present, appreciating the being that they are and wishing them well. 

In 2017, I got the chance to find love within myself and the moments when I experienced pure bliss, those moments were Love. I could feel it throughout my whole body and I would smile and jump and run. It wasn’t from anything that happened. Often it would be when I was outside but it was love for sure. 

I will bring this into the new year and may every interaction I have, every challenge that comes towards me, be approached with love. 


Just have to take note 

I just have to take note of how I felt half an hour ago. I was working and attending  with a customer, I experienced this overwhelm of gratefullness that translated as tingles that spread all the way down my body. It came from a combination of thoughts that hit after one another- I’ve had the best month at work, I get to go home to have a lovely dinner with mum, I’ve been approaching every person and situation with love, I exercised, I feel fit, I am healthy, I have been feeling ultra-inspired with my new business and I am just one fucking lucky girl. I have shit, I have struggles going on, but amongst all of them, I get to feel these intense sensations that leave me feeling so high I don’t know how to describe. 


flying so high 

Ever got the feeling when you’re flying so high, you’re momentarily in a good place, things feel balanced for once, like your health is good, you’re doing well at work, relationships are settled no drama, and out of no where, you get a sinking feeling or an unpleasant memory comes your way, bringing you back to the dark days- the time when you were lost, when you weren’t the best you, around energy depleting sources, you were sad, fearful, angry, hurt and you can’t help but attach yourself to these emotions. Today as my dad was driving me towards dinner around a familiar place, I felt old emotions come up that made me feel so unsettling, so sad, and frustrated and all I did was silently sit with them and really feel them. It felt like there were walls narrowing towards me as if my world was swallowing me up (but knew it would eventually spit me back out). And since I am fairly conscious to my thoughts, and know this is the ego at play, all I did was feel all the feelings, and allow  them to pass.


A message on the run

To end the year, I’ve been hit with an array of emotions to battle out family issues, work stress, entrepreneurial fears and personal challenges. My coping mechanism? I distant myself from others, I bathe in my uncomfortable thoughts, I reach out for food and as guilt follows not long after, I am running outside.

And as I run away from my chaos, I evaluated my coping mechanism- change into my workout gear, wear the same pair of worn out sneakers (of which I know I must buy new ones), listen to the same old music (which I’ve been meaning to update), run the same track, stretch the same stretches.. I realized just how ingrained this habit was for me. This agitates me. I am sick of the same old thoughts circling in my head- not feeling good enough, not accomplishing enough, not satisfied enough.

There is so much judgement and emphasis on lack.

I used to spend time placing gratitude on things, and I remembered just how charged up and blessed I felt. What happened..?

I was alarmed by how often I would have these thoughts and how they have now turned into toxic, unhealthy beliefs. And as I began to seek and scramble for a solution, a message came into my mind:

‘Don’t take life so seriously’.

I had no idea where it came from. Usually the solution to settle my mind would come from some profound quote by Rumi, Hicks or some thought leader but this one was rather casual yet significant. I hung onto this for a while and repeated it in my head.

Yeah, don’t take life so seriously.

Why have I been taking life so seriously attaching myself to uncontrollable situations and people when they will just pass by me anyway?

Why do I need to dwell on negative emotions such as worry, anxiousness and fear in this life when I will have many more lives ahead of me?

I am a believer in past lives and reincarnation after all.

I’ve been taking this life way too seriously- micromanaging, trying to do the right thing, to be ‘perfect’, always questioning the ‘why’, trying to get to the ‘truth’. I take things to heart and over-think situations and people who I have come across. Why?

I repeated this in my head a couple more times: Don’t take life so seriously, don’t take life so seriously,

It brought perspective to me, settled my anxiousness and quietened fear. Fear.

I began to smile and laugh at myself.

Why have I been taking life so seriously?

At one point it felt like life was laughing right back at me.




Lately I’ve been in conflict with my spiritual beliefs towards the situations and people I encounter in my physical reality. I’ve been working really hard. I’ve been swearing a lot. I’ve been reaching for unhealthy food and my skin is looking aggravated and unbalanced again. 

For the first time, I doubted my beliefs and questioned if it was all just purely based on physiology- the development of neuronal pathways in the brain being constantly activated which convinces me that what i believe is truth may in fact be far from it. 

I felt uneasy, I felt like I was living in my head, creating stories to cover up, to hide, to distract myself from the real shit that is happening in my physical reality. I felt like it was the reason why I can’t relate much to my family, to others around me. And I was thinking-  what have I been doing all this time living in my head, obvlious, insensitive, ignorant to the things going on around me. 

But then I noticed signs- signs through friends and people who don’t carry similar beliefs like mine. I saw signs to keep pursuing what I am passionate about- health, nutrition, personal development and to assure myself that my work is valuable to the world. I saw signs to proactively look for another job- to realise my potential and aim higher. I recieved thoughts and feelings that everything will be okay and the gut- feeling is the right feeling- it is in fact truth. 

Lastly, I recieved a message from my beautiful friend Elaine (whom I am 99% sure she is an angel embodied in human form) reminding me that even though I do not see it, I am making progress, I am growing.

 “Think of the trail of a snail.” 

She says