The path

I believe that each of us have a path that leads us to the best version of ourselves. Along this path challenges arise, but all have been strategically placed and derived from a place of love. These challenges help us create the change within ourselves so that we are closer to our highest being. Along this path, the universe arranges for us the most enriching, deliciously satisfying experiences where we are left exacerbating with joy, wonder, we are laughing so loud, we feel so light, we feel love. This path, we encounter the most beautiful people and have the most meaningful interactions.  This path,  lessons are to be learnt, gifts of all sorts are abundant and we are rewarded. All that we desire, all our dreams to come true are on this path. We do not need to know how to obtain all that we desire, we just need to stay on this path.

However, we are often distracted. We forgot we could have all these things, we get confused by other people speaking, we choose and over indulge in the superficial things, we continue to spend our time around people who do not support us and place ourselves in situations we know are not good for us. Therefore, we are often lead astray and wonder off from the path.

But it is never too late.

We can navigate our way back to this path by being still for one second. When there is silence and presence, the voice of our intuition speaks. Intuition is the compass that guides us back . Intuition directs us back to the path, the one where all our dreams are waiting to come true, the one where all our ideas are eager to be transformed into the physical space. And every step we make along this path, is set to be so deeply and presently enjoyed and to give us all the things we truly seek- our purpose, our happiness and love.

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The being that I am.

In my last post, I mentioned how I began to let others into my life which challenged the way I viewed myself. It brought up self-doubt, self-criticism and disruption to how I usually do things. However, I do not regret letting them in as I recognised the work that is to be done in this area. In a way, letting others in and juggling the thoughts and feelings that came with it, was the work itself. I have come far, but for my own light, I need to stop imagining how others think of me and judging myself from their point of view.

And as I begin to feel myself again, I feel like my power is regained. I have no idea how I will handle the situation the next time when I decide to let someone in. This time around, I also learnt a thing or two about boundaries, and how to protect myself.  But for now, I am happy to divert my energy back to myself, get back into my routine, to wake up early, to make stuff, create stuff. Perhaps the next time I let others in, they are more closely aligned with my values and so for now, I will continue to freely express the being that I am.

Next move after false mirroring

I don’t know how else to release the thousands of thoughts in my brain other than to write. I’ve recently caught myself not breathing at times. I sigh and shake when I consciously realize I have so many things I want to do and just belly-flop on my bed, planting my face in the mattress in hopes that somehow I am guided to my next direction but fully aware it wont happen that quickly and vividly. I know there is freedom to scream, but there isn’t at the same time. So for now, I will just write. It’s been a while since I have written.

Last month, I exposed myself to the most uncontrollable force of life- people. I became open to others, spent time with others, shared my life, my stories with them. It was fun, I enjoyed the attention, but it also came with unpleasant thoughts I have of myself, thoughts of unworthiness, thoughts of how different I am to them and with this came with a lot of time and energy spent on me, embodying the other person and assuming how they would think and see me. In the end, I guess this is just a reflection of how I see myself.

The book, ‘Astrology for the Soul’ confirmed that those, Aries of the North (me), try to place ourselves in the other person’s shoes and imagine how they would think and feel about us. I’ve done this pretty much all my life. The book said that, if I continued to do so, I would always lose.

Its so true.

Every time I do it, I always envisioned scenes and conjured up thoughts where the other person would see me as annoying, not worth their time or energy, complicated, sensitive, or too controlling.  I rarely saw myself in a positive light. Never worthy. It says a lot about myself, my self-esteem, my self-confidence. Every day is an on going battle to instill self-belief, worthiness and love for myself. I’ve spent a lot of time on my own, writing, recording, visualizing and all such has been great to work on myself. But what I am beginning to realize is that self-love is not a practice to be done purely in confinement or in solitude. Self-love comes from being around loved ones, loving places, being around community. These which I do not spend much time on. And I guess as I write this, my next move is to find a community of people who have similar values to mine and to find a place where I belong.

Fat lives on its own

I’m currently learning more about what makes us fat as I go through my integrative nutrition course. And wow, the revelation is that fat is considered as a separate living organism, always seeking for nutrients to thrive on its own, independent to the rest of our body. When we consume high GI (glycemic index) foods such as processed sugary drinks (soft drinks, fruit juices), baked goods, sweets and carbohydrate dense foods like pastas, rice, bread and flour, we are initiating fat storage mechansims in the body.

How?

Consuming such foods causes a hormone- insulin to increase in the body which in turn tell the body to store all these sugars  into fat for ‘later’ use as energy.  As fat accumulates, fat itself initiates its own growth promoting responses. It wants to grow and continue surviving. Hence in order to do so,  it seeks nutrients and starves the rest of the body of nutrients. Under these circumstances, we may feel hungry and continue eating and the viscious cycle goes on.. fat grows,we are nutrient deprived, hungry and we overeat to feed our fat.

So how do we stop and prevent this cycle from happening?

  • Eliminate or reduce your sugar and carbohydrate intake- so all foods considered as high GI  like soft drinks, energy drinks, fruit juices, fast-food, frozen meals, packaged baked goods, confectionary and carbohydrate dense foods like pastas, rice, bread and flour, (pretty much all the products in the aisles in the supermarket).
  • Opt for more natural sources of carbohydrates coming from wholefoods like vegetables like pumpkin, sweet potato, berries, oats, quinoa.
  • Dominate your plate with quality protein and healthy fats in your meal to keep you fuller for longer so you don’t overeat,  prevent insulin from spiking and your energy levels are more stablised over time.

Here is a typical lunch I make-

My Tempeh Nourish Bowl

Nourish bowl tempeh

  • Tempeh (fermented soybeans, super high in protein)
  • Sauteed kale
  • Roast veggies
  • Fresh carrot
  • Saukraut.
  • Olive oil

For me, my body still wants a source of carbohydrate in my meals so I listen and include roast veggies- sweet potato and carrot which come with their vitamins, minerals and fibre as my source of carbohydrate. I felt satiated, do not feel bloated, have energy and was not hungry for a good 4-5 hours.

 

Super-food Oat Cookies

I’m starting a skin series where I’ll be vlogging my skin journey, linking healthy recipes that have helped heal and manage my skin. I am still on the journey to healing but I have made much progress. One key rule I stick to is to avoid consuming processed foods and refined sugars best I can hence I create healthier alternatives to satisfy my sugar cravings.

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Referring to oats, given their high fibre content, oats are filling and low GI meaning they wont cause a huge spike in your blood sugar levels which often results in hormone disruption and inflammation, one of the contributors to acne. I also incorporated seeds like pepitas and sunflower seeds along with almonds for protein and healthy fats so they’re jam packed with skin loving vitamins and minerals like Zinc and Selenium. Furthermore, the cacao icing also comes with high antioxidants, great for skin and magnesium for general health.

Ingredients

Cookie

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  • 1 cup oats
  • ½ cup almond meal
  • 1 cup desiccated coconut
  • ½ cup seeds grounded (pepitas, sunflower seeds)
  • 1/3 cup coconut oil melted
  • 2 Tbsp almond butter
  • 2 Tbsp honey
  • Cinnamon

Icing

  • 2 ½ Tbsp raw cacao butter
  • 2 Tbsp honey
  • ¼ cup coconut oil melted

Method:

  1. Preheat oven to 160 degrees celcius and line baking tray with baking paper.
  2. Combine oats, almond meal, desiccated coconut, seeds and cinnamon into a large bowl.
  3. Mix almond butter, honey and coconut oil together
  4. Combine wet and dry ingredients together.
  5. Roll into 3cm size balls and lay them on tray.
  6. Press them down with a fork to get size and flatness you like.
  7. Put in oven for ~15-18 minutes or still golden brown.
  8. Leave to fully cool or even place them in fridge.
  9. Make your icing by combining all icing ingredients together.
  10. Once cookies are cooled, drizzle or dip you cookies in the icing.
  11. Place them in the fridge to set.

I recommend leaving your cookies in the fridge so the icing doesn’t melt as coconut oil has a very low melting point. I find the texture and coldness of the cookies a real treat anyway!

 

The Observer

I didn’t post this piece at the time I was experiencing this. I remember thinking that I didn’t think it was good enough or not yet ready to be shown. But now reading back on it, it is perfectly- imperfect. There is something about releasing my work that in turn releases pieces of me that no longer serve me. 

The last days of October have brought up hurtful memories of my past. I remember the first few minutes of waking up today, lying there, eyes still closed, blanket tight allowing the billion random thoughts to collide with one another as I shifted into consciousness. It was unsettling, but apparently you are closest to your inner state of being upon waking. Knowing this, I allowed the process to happen. And just watched. A prominent thought that came into mind was about someone who previously broke my trust. Someone who was dishonest and did not tell me the truth in the end, even though I knew the truth. And this thought didn’t leave me, I held onto it, and not long after I couldn’t help but attach emotion and got angry. I felt the familiar feeling of emptiness as I am reminded of the betrayal. It feels like there is a black hole in my stomach. I never got closure in the end. I wanted that person to say it to my face and tell me the truth. But whats done is done.

Its been months and months, I’ve been healing and letting go,, and like anything that you were used to but removed, the process has been slow and uncomfortable to say the least. Pain is always there, it is reduced, but sometimes, pain is triggered, like this thought which tugged on a string of memories, memories of how much of my love, my energy, my soul had been taken out of me. Things that I can never take back. And now, I am to start the healing process all over again. Detoxification has been slow.  And so now, all I can do is write about it so I can feel better, release it and just move on from that thought, those memories of how I lost myself.

 

The real work

Today was a day where self-doubt became frequent. The day also came with moments of not feeling worthy, not feeling pretty and just not feeling good enough. I then questioned what I’ve been doing these past couple months. I questioned my abilities. Have I spent too much time in my head, creating false hope, fantasizing? Are my dreams too big? Am I rushing or have I simply become lazy and ignorant to what is really going on in this physical reality? I spent the last six hours doing a night shift, working in a shopping mall where theft and violence is the mainstream. I’ve recently had to replace my windscreen as someone chucked a rock at it in the car park. Last Thursday night I was almost mobbed walking to my car.

I try my best to shift my mindset, protect and conserve my energy when I am in this environment. But sometimes, its just so fucking exhausting and its just easier to dwell in the misery. I feel my light dim. Today, I came across a familiar face. I was taken back as he approached me at work today. In that moment, all I could think about was how charming and physically attractive he was. But I didn’t feel anywhere near like that-beautiful or confident. I tried to make minimal eye contact with him as we spoke and compose myself. That encounter made me feel lacking. And as I laughed, made jokes to disguise my real insecurity, I draw the conversation to an end. I am left disappointed in myself. And it wasn’t because I wanted him, because I don’t. I was disappointed because I wondered where all the inner work I had been doing, self- love practices, self-talk I have given to myself, where had it all gone during a time like this.

I now come to realize, that the real work is done when you are outside. When you are placed in uncontrolled, unpredictable situations. It’s not when I am in my room, with my candles, surrounded by my beautiful things, where I feel safe. I can listen to all the spiritual, self-love podcasts, listen to all of Abraham Hicks recordings, but in the end, that is all just the ground work. The real test is when you are outside. It is when you apply all the things you’ve learnt into the blunt physical reality. When you integrate and adapt. And not let anything or anyone disturb your inner peace.